Two Weddings and a Culture Shock

The Israeli Wedding

(well a certain kind of Israeli...)

If there is one thing that I love about Israeli culture, it is the way the secular (and tasteful secular) throw a wedding. They really know how to get married.

Let me be clear here. The kind of Israeli weddings I'm about to describe are weddings of a very specific demographic. These are typically university educated, secular Israelis who are of an Ashkenasi background. The couple is usually liberal minded, or at least liberal-ish, and so are their friends and family. These couples represent a rather large percentage of Tel Aviv, which is really why I love the city so very much.

So, what makes these weddings so spectacular?

Well, it isn't the flowers or the centerpieces.

In general, there is far less ceremony and far more, well, 'getting to the point'. From what I've gathered, the point of a wedding for this specific demographic isn't to ramble on about true love and to express your intimate connection to the world; it isn't a day for the bride to play princess; nor is it a day to celebrate God. Rather, it is a day to celebrate friends, family, and new beginnings. It is a celebration- a party with the people who you can afford to invite. Typically these people are your close friends and family who simply want to help you celebrate like you've never celebrated before.

The Engagement

The anti-ceremony begins with the engagement. The engagement is announced casually and usually only a few months before the wedding. It's very rare for couples to be engaged for longer than 6 months. One year is probably the maximum. Two years is unheard of.

The Invitation

No one makes elaborate "Save the date" posters or videos or reminders. People talk to their friends, figure out how many people they can afford to bring, how many people want to come, and then they send out an invitation. Usually, they design it themselves and print it cheaply. The American custom of having the parents invite the guests and officialize on the invitation that they are the paying hosts simply does not exist in Israel. The couple invites everyone and does things the way they want.

Attire

The dress code, as it is for nearly every event in Israel, is casual. While the bride typically wears white, most brides choose a more simple style. The groom usually dons a clean pair of trousers and white linen shirt in lieu of the suit, although it does happen on rare occasions that you see a groom in a jacket and tie. The tuxedo is simply absurd and unheard of.

Many guests come to the wedding straight from work with no time to shower or change. And that's normal. My boyfriend typically wears jeans, and many women wear pants.

Most event spaces are outdoors, as the wedding season runs from late May to early July: it's hot this time of year, but not too hot, and it never rains.

Welcome to the Wedding: would you like a drink?

These weddings properly begins with a cocktail hour. The bar is open, people arrive, bride and groom greet their guests. There is mingling, music, drinking, hour d'oeuvres and excitement. This goes on for about an hour so that everyone is pleasantly drunk. Then, the marriage ceremony under the Chuppah begins.

The Chuppa

Everyone rambles towards the chuppah, drink IN HAND. There are no bride's maids, no flower girls, no best men. No girls wearing the same horrid dress. No freaked out wedding planner running around before the ceremony to make sure the best man has the ring and that everything is perfect. It's not a production. It's as stress free as it can be. In fact, most of the time, there aren't even seats. I mean, there isn't this whole thing with guests sitting a watching a long procession of awkward little girls and boys throw flowers, badly dressed women and men in suits walk down the isle, and then standing up to get a look at the bride who, FOR GOD'S SAKE is wearing a VEIL so you can't even see her face, but you still feel like you have to photograph her because she's supposedly soooo beautiful.....

No, no, no. At these weddings, guests stand gathered around the Chuppah with their wine and champaign, in front of the happy couple and family standing together with the Rabbi. The ceremony lasts 20 minutes at the most. When I say, at the most, I mean it. a 20 minute ceremony is LONG.

Digression: Because Israel is a Jewish state, any civil marriage requires Jewish couples to follow the strictest Jewish marriage ritual laws. Thees include an interview at the Rabbinical court, Torah study, and, for the woman, a ritual bathing in a pool of water called a Mikveh. The union is only recognized if the ceremony is conducted by an orthodox rabbi, and only if it follows the traditional orthodox ceremonial steps exactly. While some more religious couples of my generation appreciate these traditions, most of my friends are secular.

To avoid this orthodox regiment, many young secular couples choose to marry abroad throw a celebratory party with a symbolic Jewish ceremony upon their return. This has become quite a trend among secular Jewish couples of my generation. This may be one of the reasons why the ceremony is so easily whittled down to the bear minimum, but I'm not quite certain.

Once the ceremony is over, and the groom breaks the glass, everyone yells mazel tov and stampedes the bride and groom to congratulate them and share in their excitement. Then, it's party time!

This is a real party.

The Party

Sometimes the food is served right away, typically buffet style. Most of the time guests are starving- the ceremonies frequently don't begin till 8:30, meaning that it's 9:00pm by the time anyone sees their dinner. People get food, or dance, or open bottles of wine. I'm always a fan of buffet style. being a vegetarian, I can actually east salads, potatoes and rice without having to pick steak or chicken off my plate. Plus you eat when you want to, not when you are served. You aren't stuck at your table listening to people make bad speeches because there typically aren't any speeches.

There is also no wasting money on a wedding cake that no one wants to eat. There are deserts, yes, and of course there is coffee, but there is no cutting of the cake.

The weddings that are the most fun are those where the friends go straight to the dance floor to boogie down and start ordering shots. Then there are usually performances by good friends and family: sometimes there are videos, other times musical performances and sometimes even circus acts.

The party typically goes on until dawn, with the old people leaving when they want to. The music typically evolves from a few traditional chuppa numbers (hora, etc) to fun dance songs for all generations, to trance late night for the young kids. It's alright to come just for the ceremony and leave if you have to get back home. No one gets offended.

The Gift

That's really the key here- no one gets offended and everything is less complicated. Nearly everyone brings money, and the custom is to bring at least the amount that the couple spent on you by having you at their wedding. This typically rounds up to about 200 shekels, if not a bit more (50 dollars plus).

It's just a good time had all 'round without all that other awkwardness. It's a fund party without the "to-do"

Plus, having a wedding outside means you usually have some sort of great view- and sometimes even a swimming pool!!!!

Dream World

It's pretty exciting to have a double life: mysterious adventures that happen in the dark hours of the night, adventures so enthralling and so overpowering that you can't seem to shake them for days. The days when I wake up mid-dream are always days of deep contemplation and semi-detachment. Where did my mind take me? What was I doing there?

After a full week of healthy eating, exercising and adequate sleep, I've been dreaming myself worlds upon worlds. Dreams of lakes and brothers, of family and friends, of old ways and new lives and forks in the road.

I've moved back to the states to start a third degree and share a house with my best girlfriends in the mountains of Vermont. In this adventure, I felt both triumph and shame. Despite my parent's help and instruction, I grew distracted by my excitement and careless in my packing, forgetting the most essential item: my bed and mattress. Of course, I only came to realize this small detail at the end of a full day of unpacking, reuniting, rearranging and partying in my backyard Olympic sized pool with my new neighbors. I then proceeded to set up a living room in the pool, underwater.

I've also been to a wedding. Yotam and I were to be married in a world where my consciousness was somehow able to legitimize polygamy. Yotam had a second girlfriend: a cross between Karen, my co-worker, and Tamara, my old camp friend. He was to marry us both and I strangely agreed. We organized the celebration in the desert and invited friends and family. Although I didn't much participate in the wedding plans and felt uncomfortable with the entire charade. When the time came to tie the knot, I backed out, realizing that in the whirlwind I'd forgotten to invite my parents. I couldn't possibly go through with the wedding without my mother or father present. They would disown me.

After trying to explain my predicament to Yotam, the two of us were transported from our desert wedding ceremony to our bed, just for a flash-moment. Under the covers I held him, saying "Don't ever leave me" and he held me like we had the same skin, and I told him I loved him and squeezed his boyish torso.

Only this short emotional exchange did I head to the mall with a friend to look for a wedding dress. The entire endeavor was ridiculous. We went to cheap fashion stores and usurped dressing rooms from small Asian girls and young pre-adolescent blond teenagers trying on the tacky, unflattering, cheaply-made wedding gowns . One pulled a simple, tight white tunicy thing over her head. It had a clear-sequened band around the waist that ruined the design. Another threw on a different white gown that looked like a shiny white 50s cocktail dress. It had a red sash that could be tied around the waist for a splash of Christmas-y crimson. After throwing it off, she found a cream-colored wrap around halter-neck top that could potentially go over the dress and and some modern subtlety. It was awful.

Once I left the fitting rooms to wander around the stores, I realized that there was nothing for me there.

Then I woke up.

Baby time and making Aliya

I am an unemployed new immigrant. The unemployed status is relatively recent. I had been waitressing, but was fired almost a month ago; my elementary school English teacher status ended with the school year; and my one and only private English student has had enough.
I find myself - once again - frantically searching for a decent paying job, desperate enough to take almost anything I can get.

Since my arrival I've been trying to find my place here in Israel's economy. I have found this task to be impossible. For one reason or another, I feel ill-equipped for every position. The first and most obvious issue is Hebrew. Secondly, it seems I have little to no experience in almost every area. Third, the older I get, the lazier I seem to get. I don't have the energy to work like a dog, which once upon a time I was happy to do.


And now all of my friends are getting married and having babies. This is what my age-group is talking about: weddings, couples, pregnancies, births or baby-steps. My friend noa is pregnant. My friend Izhar has a three month old boy. My best friend naomi is trying and here I am unemployed unengaged and uninterested. Here I am with about 1000 shekels in my bank account, trying to stay afloat, trying to figure out my future and my life, while my friends are getting married, buying houses and having babies.

Do I have it all wrong? Am I a poorly evolved 20-something?